S.O.S.

I have a deadbeat as my father. I see him, the most 3 times a year. I act like I really hate him and that he makes me angry and I just talk to him for his money, but in reality I miss him. I really wish he was actually around to see me grow up. I wish he knew all my friends' names, all the music on Ipod, my teachers' names, what classes I'm taking, and what I'm currently reading. I think it's fine that he and my mom aren't together, but I just wish he stuck around and acted like he cared. Instead, all I get is a check- whenever I ask for it. It's the only kind of relationship we have ever had. I've tried to chnge it many times, but it's like he doesn't care. At all. I'm always the one making the call to say hi, I'm always the one asking him questions about his life that I'm barely in, and I think it's unfair. My dad has hurt me so much, but I can't seem to let go. And my mom doesn't want to marry someone until I'm out of high school, which isn't fair to me either. So it pretty much means that I will never have a father to look up to. I'll never have a father-daughter dance with a meaningful song.

My father got engaged last year, without me knowing. I didn't even know he was dating. I didn't even get to meet her until 3 months before their wedding. He had told everyone he was getting married, and had everyone meet her, except for me. I found out when I had called him to see how he was doing (because he was sick) and a woman picked up the phone. When I hung up with my dad, I told my mom that a woman had picked up his phone. Then my mom told me that she was going to be my new step-mom. Then it took my dad a month after my mom told me, to tell me himself.

It's just not fair.

This is my vent, and I hope that I will never have to explain this portion of my life to anyone ever again.

When Does It End?

15 years old, and I am already praying for early retirment. I've already started saving up. Sophmore year in high school is such a bitch. Sometimes, I honestly feel like giving up, but I know I can't. My dreams are way to ambitious for me to just throw away. My grades are all really low, and it seems like I can't do anything about it. Hopefully things get  better soon.

The Honest Truth

I've been lying. It's not that I don't believe in love, it's that I am afraid to admit that I am actually scared shitless of love. That's why I say I don't believe in love. I do believe, but it's hard for me to really believe that it can happen to me. I know I'm young and that I have a lot of time, but when i look in the mirror, I don't see my self as a person who can be loved by someone else, romantically. Instead I see myself living a career-successdul life, where all I had to live for was my job. I want a family, I want a husband. But to me the word "love" seems so serious. When I think of my husband, I think of a best friend- type of person. Someone  can laugh with, make inside jokes with, play pranks on... except we'd be sleeping in the same bed and adopting multi-racial babies together. 

This freaks me out.